I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
