Your dad touched me again.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
