I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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