Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
