What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
