I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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