At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
