worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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