tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I cannot find my penis.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
