Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
