he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
