my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
