I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
