I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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