You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
