Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
