if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
