Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Randomize
