i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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