i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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