How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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