You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
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She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
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I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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