Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
