I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
