I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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