I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
