I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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