I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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