I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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