someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
