i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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