Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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