People with herpes should wear stickers.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
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My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
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I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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