there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
