So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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