never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
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