meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
