your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
