just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
