i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize