just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
