wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
