Someone shit on the floor
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
