Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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