I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
where are you?
Hypothermia
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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