Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
