i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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