also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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