Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
