you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
