its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
