Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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