There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
