sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
