You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Houston, we have a squirter
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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