i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
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I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
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I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Drunk is not a location!
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