I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
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I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
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Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
so he's a sleeptalker.
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.