i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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