how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
