I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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